Thankskilling 3

The Entree Strikes Back

The Entree Strikes Back

Now, you may ask, why look at a Thanksgiving-themed film for a Halloween thing? Well, I’m from the UK, so I don’t think it really matters when I review a Thanksgiving-themed horror movie. You also may ask, why review Thankskilling 3 when I haven’t looked at the first and second? Well, the first was more or less a straightforward slasher with a talking turkey, so there isn’t really much that can be said about it. And as for the second movie, there isn’t one. Thankskilling 3 is “the first movie to skip its sequel” and the whole point of Thankskilling 3 is that there isn’t a Thankskilling 2.

The basic idea behind this Kickstarter-funded movie is actually a pretty creative one; Thankskilling 2 – where killer talking turkey Turkie goes into space – is considered the worst movie ever and all copies except one are destroyed. Since the evil Turkie (Jordan Downey) put a curse on that movie which he wants to inflict upon humanity, he is furious at this turn of events, and assisted by the spirit of his son, attempts to retrieve the sole copy of Thankskilling 2 and unleash it upon the world.

Now I like a good meta narrative, as well as a good spoof of shitty slasher sequels, and I also like that they tried to give this film a different feel than its predecessor; too many horror franchises feel like the same story told over and over. It is, then, a shame we don’t really get that much of this plot in the movie.

While Turkie is searching for his DVD, there’s this alien puppet thing called Yomi (also Downey) searching for her mind. By that, I mean what looked like an angelic version of Krang floated out of her head, and she wants it back in her noggin. She talks and moves a lot for someone without a brain, but you’ll sure as hell wish she didn’t. Downey’s voice for Turkie is alright, but Yomi speaks with an even more grating version of Miss Piggy’s voice. She also looks like a female Zippy, and anything that reminds me of Zippy is not okay in my book.

So Yomi finds Turkie’s DVD in the trash, and her own search leads her to this dude named Uncle Donny (Daniel Usaj, one of the few non-puppet characters in this film), for his device for serving Thanksgiving turkeys promised “peace of mind”, ha ha. Also, Uncle Donny along with his friend Jefferson (Joe Hartzler, another human) are planning to open a Thanksgiving theme park in a scene which has some rather awkwardly-done jokes about Jefferson wanting a decent longpike. There’s also a rapping granny, “Flowis” (Marc M), who doesn’t really add anything to this movie except jokes about wanting to give God a blowjob. And that’s certainly something no piece of cinema could do without.

Anyway, these losers, along with a gay worm called Rhonda (Kevin Stewart) and his robot who looks like Darth Vader crossed with a goomba, all have to stop Turkie’s evil plan. Now, I really wanted to like this movie, at least, I want to ironically say “This is the best movie ever! It has an evil turkey who gets his penis replaced by a chainsaw, it’s better than Citizen Kane!” Sadly, Thankskilling 3 is too slow to gain any ironic entertainment out of, like it was a 45 minute movie stretched to 90. I mean, Turkie is pretty decent for a silly slasher villain. He reminds me of Jack Frost in that he’s an innocent holiday icon transformed into a wisecracking murderer, and I like me some Jack Frost. Turkie’s voice fits him well and I like his design, but sadly, I don’t like the other characters that much. I was just waiting for Turkie to murder them all.

Turkie’s son was irritating with his squeaky voice, but I assume he was meant to be annoying. I’m pretty sure we were meant to like Yumi, yet I couldn’t care less if she found her holy Krang or not, and was just as annoyed at her as Uncle Donny was. Speaking of Donny, he doesn’t have that much to him except some story about his family I guess. The best supporting character is a talking pumpkin pie and he only appears in one scene (though his visage is on the DVD so there’s that).

This movie wants to be something akin to Killer Klowns from Outer Space, but its jokes – Turkie’s battle against one “Wiseturkey” turning into an 8-bit game, Turkie suddenly having a henchman who complains about being called “Frankenturkey” – feel more like they came from Family Guy, and thus they usually come as more awkward and clunky than truly humorous. Then again, Family Guy and Thankskilling 3 have the complete opposite problem when it comes to fights with evil birds; the former has too many, the latter has too little.

Still, there are definitely redeeming qualities to this film. Yumi may look like Zippy, but she wouldn’t look out of place among the actual Muppets, and there’s a vortex towards the end of the film that looks kinda okay I guess. The soundtrack also kicks all kinds of ass, just have a listen:

Other than that, I can’t really recommend Thankskilling 3, even as a party movie. I daresay it would be the stupidest thing I’ve seen this week if the latest Doctor Who didn’t involve the moon being a giant egg. Nice looking puppets and a good idea are all wasted on a slow-moving story with uninteresting characters. If you want to see a good horror movie with a meta element to it, go watch New Nightmare. With this, though, you’re just left wondering how a movie that promised a talking pumpkin pie and an evil turkey could be so boring.

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About jabberw

A writer of short stories and reviews, who likes to dabble in other creative media as well.
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