August is going to be “Batman Parody Month” here at The Terror of Tiny Toon. Why? Because I’m the most important person in the world and what I say goes.
There’s been a lot of weird Batman stories over the decades; we’ve had mind-controlling aliens with shrink rays, Penguin with a magic potion that turns people evil, a talking toad and whatever the fuck this is. Mind you, parodies of the Dark Knight can be just as, if not more, fucked up. For example, there was a 3 Stooges cartoon that had their own version of Batman. All well and good, except their Batman was evil. And was what a little boy transformed into whenever he heard the word “bad”.
That’s right, The New 3 Stooges cartoon brought us the greatest character in all of fiction, “Badman”, who stars in an episode entitled “The Chicken Delivery Boys”.
The Batman-parodyness is set early on in the episode when a narrator talks about “an apartment building in Botham City”. Least I think he said Botham. Little Boy – I don’t think he was given a name – announces to no-one that he’s hungry and that he’s going to have some milk and wheatgerm because ‘stuffing oneself with the wrong foods is bad!’ Oh gods, this isn’t one of those “eat healthy” episodes every cartoon needs to have, is it? However, when he says “bad”, he turns into Badman, (who looks weirdly like the Batman in Batman’s Gonna Get Shot in the Face after putting on a few pounds). See, that’s what happens when you talk to yourself; a lesson you and Fraidy Cat need to know.
What does Badman want? ‘Food! I want lots of food!’ he cries like a crack-addicted gorilla, ‘Gorge, stuff, hog, glutton, tonnes of food!’ Well, he’s a character I can relate to, at least. Also, given his pattern of speech and his primal desires, I have to wonder, maybe he represents the id and Little Boy, with his moralising, represents the super-ego? No, wait, this is just a shitty cartoon, never mind.
Badman orders a tonne of chicken, and the Stooges are the titular boys who partake in the art of chicken delivery. ‘We’re about to sell our biggest order yet!’ says Moe with all the excitement of someone doing their laundry. Badman snatches the chicken away, and when the Stooges demand payment, Badman punches them. Part of me actually wants to see the real Batman do this; sure, he could more than afford a chicken dinner, but why should he pay when he’s the goddamn fucking Batman?
Badman is holding a chicken leg and says ‘Good’ which turns him back into Little Boy. Get this, when he changes back, the chicken leg magically disappears from his hand. He’s holding the chicken leg, says ‘Good’ and then, in the very next shot, without any transition, takes on a different pose with the chicken leg vanishing into non-existence. I just had to laugh, because it reminded me of this (only this was done on purpose, mind):
The Stooges come in for a rematch, only to find Little Boy. They do see evidence that Badman was here in a pile of chicken bones, and Curly says Badman has bad table manners, putting emphasis on bad because the kids watching this are morons. Little Boy becomes Badman, and yes, in the very next shot magically appears right behind the Stooges. Also, when Badman says ‘That did it’, it’s Curly’s mouth that moves on the first syllable. Oh god, he can possess people too. What is this demon?
Badman throws the Stooges out of a window, and says ‘Good’, turning back into Little Boy. Little Boy, annoying shit that he is, fails to save the Stooges from falling, but they’re still alright. Of course they are.
The Stooges go back to the apartment, saying ‘Bad’ again, bringing out da Badman. This time, the Stooges actually overpower him and tie him to the roof of their van. Can you guess what happens next? If not, I’m very very sorry for you. They say ‘Good’ and Badman becomes Little Boy. The townspeople are pissed at the Stooges and the Stooges run off, looking as tall as the surrounding buildings as they do so. Also there’s some live-action shit about the Stooges putting up wallpaper but who cares.
In fact, screw the Stooges, I wanna know more about Badman. How did Little Boy get this curse? Where the fuck were his parents? Did Badman manifestate because Little Boy hated being left alone so often? Who knows? Then again, who cares?